Puns Puns Puns

What do you call a credible conservative who makes things?

A fact-tory.

When is dentist time?

Tooth-hurty.

What is your favourite month?

July.

Why July?

I didn’t lie.

Man calls the hospital and says: My wife is going into labour what should I do?

The phone operator asks: Is this her first child?

The man responds: No, this is her husband.

A is for Apple, B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Two calves are watching TV when mommy cow walks in and says “C'mon you two ... It's pasture bedtime.”

History.

History.

Today I rewrote History.

A girl asks a horse rider “Why you do call your horse Mayo? It’s not even a white horse.”

Mayo: [neighs]

On a guided tour of a zoo a boy asks the zookeeper “Why is the toast in a cage?”. She responds, “It was bread in captivity.”

A girl on a date tells the boy “Tonight has been amazing, we should have dinner again.”.

The boy looks at her and says “Thanks, but I’m full.”.

The British Sergeant Major asked the Australian conscript at Gallipoli if he came here to die?

The Aussie replied: Nah mate, I didn't come here today, I came here yesterday.

I come from a peculiar family. My sister's feet smell, and my brother's nose runs.

The drunk was confronted by his furious wife who screamed as he stumbled in the door late at night "You've got a hide coming here at this hour!"

He swiftly replied, "I tried to hide, but you caught me!"

When the pompous politician barked at a police officer who pulled him over for speeding, he said: "Do you know who I am?"

The constable responded: "Yes, you're the driver I'm going to book for exceeding the speed limit!"

The wife says: “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different shirt every half hour.”

The husband says: “Wait. I can change.”